How Mommy Got Her Groove Back

What’s your gut telling you today?  Are you feeling scattered? Are you feeling energetic?

Are you worried? Maybe just a little lethargic? On the verge of tears?

Really listen.  What do you hear? What do you feel?

See if you can momentarily shut off the voices inside and outside your head and simply feel how you are feeling.

It’s hard, right?  Being in touch with yourself (sounds all touchy-feely, but stick with me) is a highly underrated skill.  And it’s an easier one to practice & master than you think.I’ve even written about this before — because, well, it keeps coming up!!!

As much as we’d all like to say we’re in touch with ourselves and know what we need, we often shut off the monitors, close the blinders and made sure there’s no way we can hear ourselves. Oh, and also we like to make sure no one else can reach us too sometimes.  We become little bratty mcbrat brats.

We forget we can ask for help.  We forget we are simply human and have emotions that need support from time to time. We choose to mope and resist the feelings rather than just letting ourselves feel them. And most importantly, we un-learn the ability to turn off the voices in our heads.

So, today, I’m going to bear my soul a little bit…because I recently guided myself through a bit of emotional strife and gained some incredible clarity! It wasn’t easy, but as soon as I did it, I was like…oh wait, that WAS easy.

I actually have been waffling back and forth whether I should share this with you, but I am just going with it, because honestly I think if there’s anyone out there who’s ever felt “guilty” for doing something selfish for themselves, you’ll totally get this.

The Leap

I went to NYC this past weekend. Alone.  Leaving my close to 3 year old daughter at home with Daddy and Grandma for 3 whole nights.

I attended an event called Rich, Happy & Hot Live at the Urban Zen Center in the West Village.  My coach and dear friend Marie Forleo put together an amazing weekend that I simply could not pass up the chance to attend.

First – I’ll mention that I knew this was going to happen all year long.  I had all year to go through the emotions and the inner turmoil and decision to go or not.  But I left all that good stuff for the last month.

I knew without a shadow of a doubt that this was something I had to do.  I would meet a ton of amazing women, get to work with Marie in person and get my creative juices flowing — no matter where they were at that time.

After I finally made the decision to go, had bought my plane ticket, I had an intense wave of anxiety… my dear friends, family, and support system helped me through that one.  They encouraged me to focus on what I wanted to learn and get out of my weekend at the event.  Thinking about the potential results really helped me get clear and accept my decision.

But for the week prior to going to the trip, I had a sneaking suspicion that something was brewing inside of me. I braced myself for an onslaught of emotions (those who know me, know I can be a tad emo from time to time!)–and held them off for as long as I could.   I could almost feel myself holding my belly tight – so I wouldn’t feel the little stress ball growing.  Last Tuesday – I couldn’t hold the dam any longer. It broke…full force.

I freakin’ lost it. Like Big Time.

So You’re Having A Breakdown

I started doing a mental play by play of each moment leading up to the actual instant of separation with my daughter (feeling the tears welling up right now just thinking about it).  I went through each moment of the plane taking off, of me NOT putting her to sleep that night, of her being miserable and hysterical the whole weekend without me.  And then, the dialogue started inside…why are you doing this? Why do you need to go to NYC? Is this really that important to you?  Why are you torturing yourself and everyone else around you?   What if something happens to you, to her, and you made this choice? This is your fault.  This is all your fault.

I’m not sure how long the moments lasted, but slowly I started to feel a weight lift and my belly no longer had the tight ball of energy.  I started to realize and accept (kind of) that I’ve held onto Mila so tight for the past 3 years that I’ve often lost sight of myself and what I need.  I sometimes get angry at myself for taking even 1 moment or 2 days for myself and doing something that will benefit not only me, but our entire family.

Can you see why I was having a hard time leaving my little pixie superstar?

Seeing the Light

I let the emotions pass through me – not stopping them or resisting them, but allowing the pain, the tears, the confusion to swell and then dissipate….or dwindle–they didn’t completely disappear before I left and truthfully, I didn’t expect them to…

After a few deep breaths, allowing myself to just “lose it”, and then followed it up with a vigorous walk outside, I was ready to get on with the weekend.  Time would move forward whether I wanted it to or not. And unless I decided to stay home, this was happening.

Now, I needed strength to get through the next moments — even if they were filled with tears (which they weren’t too bad)… but it was because I spent the night before I left setting the following intentions:

  • Be okay giving myself a much needed break
  • Have some fun and meet new people
  • Let go and re-connect with myself
  • Let Mila experience whatever she’s going to experience, knowing that I will return to her.
  • Return refreshed and ready to fully engage with my family

I went back to the advice from the people that care about me and just focused on the outcome, how good it would feel in the midst of the other creative women at the event, and how amazing it would feel to run off the plane into the arms of my husband and my sweet little girl Mila.

Did We All Survive?

Short Answer: Yes.

Fabulous. Amazing. Fine. All of my fears, anxiety, sadness, regret, and guilt literally disappeared as soon as I was in motion toward the goal of getting to the event and then actually being there each & every moment.

I wasn’t a basket case the entire weekend — well, there were tears, but they were ones of self-realization, inspiration, gratitude, creativity, and healing.

I got out of my own way and I enjoyed every breath I took over the weekend.

I came home rejuvenated and ready to take on the world.

I get to love & connect with my family like I’ve never thought possible and dive into an open, genuine expression of who I am right here in front of you.

How Can I Get Me Some of This?

I highly recommend taking the same steps I took to breathe new life & passion into your own life.  If you’ve been feelin’ a little stale lately or you feel like your going to burst with boredom or restlessness, all you gotta do is:

  1. Make a decision
  2. Clear the roadblocks by “doing something” (find an event, class, vacation & plan it)
  3. Followed Through at 100% intensity (i.e. I didn’t half-ass it)
  4. Let Go & Engaged in MY time
  5. Came back rejuvenated

Now, I’m not saying you have to travel across country away from your family or spend tons of money to do this.  Sometimes it’s as easy as taking a day and just doing something you want to do – being a little selfish – and not backing down when or if people are annoyed.

Take it.